I Was Looking for Him, But I Didn’t Know It Was Him

“By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.” — Song of Solomon 3:1

When I read Song of Solomon 3:1–4, I see a reflection of my former self in the woman’s longing and searching. I am not saying that these verses are literally describing my conversion or that their original meaning is about my story. The passage is describing the bride seeking her beloved. But as I read it, the imagery reminds me of how I once spent my life searching for love and relationships while completely misunderstanding what my soul was actually seeking.

There is also an important difference between her story and mine. She is seeking her beloved while walking according to the order God established. She desires him, but she is not acting on that desire before marriage. Her longing does not cause her to abandon righteousness. She is walking within God's boundaries. I was not.

There was a time when I professed to be a Christian but was still walking in the world. I was in my early twenties. I wanted a relationship so badly that I would seek it. I idolized relationships, not so much marriage, and tried to find someone who would make me feel loved, chosen, and secure. The depth of my pride, rebellion and idolatry. My desire for love wasn't wrong. What was wrong was that I stopped trusting God with that desire and decided to pursue it on my own terms.

Looking back, I realize that I robbed God. I took something I should have placed in His hands and decided that I knew better than He did how it should be fulfilled. My actions were essentially saying, “God, I don't trust You to give me what I want, when You want me to have it, or in the way You want me to receive it. So I'll go get it myself.”

And the more I searched, the more I understand the words, “I sought him, but I found him not.”

Because I wasn't really just looking for a relationship. I was looking to be loved. I was looking to be chosen. I was looking for security and belonging. I was trying to satisfy something in my soul through another person that another person could never ultimately satisfy.

Then I came to Christ, and I began to understand what I had actually been searching for.

“I found him whom my soul loveth.”

Again, I don't read that verse as though Solomon was secretly writing about my conversion. Rather, I see my own story through the picture Scripture gives us of a soul searching for the one it loves. I thought I was looking for a man, but ultimately I was looking for Him. I thought I needed someone to choose me, but I needed to know the One who had already pursued me. I thought another person could make me whole, but I needed Christ. That realization changed how I looked at my past. I didn't simply have a desire for something good; I had taken that desire out of God's hands because I didn't trust Him with it. I wanted the blessing without trusting the One who gives it. I wanted the answer without trusting His timing.

The woman in Song of Solomon was searching while still walking according to God's Word. I was searching while walking according to my own desires. Her longing was governed by obedience; mine was governed by what I wanted. That contrast is what makes the passage so convicting to me. Sometimes the thing we want isn't wrong. We simply want it badly enough that we're willing to stop trusting God in order to have it.

I was looking for love. I was looking for a relationship. I was looking for someone to choose me. But ultimately, I was looking for Him. And when I finally came to Christ, I realized that He was the One my soul had been seeking all along.

I just didn't know it was Him.